


it’s a little bit stupid

by nsofties



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Break Up, Falling Out of Love, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentioned Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Mentioned Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Snapshots, Strangers to Lovers, self-gratuitous small piece about johnkun breaking up, that's all this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 00:03:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17818052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nsofties/pseuds/nsofties
Summary: Kun decides that, if he has to break Johnny’s heart, he’ll be swift. He won’t drag it out, like Yuta did to Taeil, and he won’t ghost him, like Renjun did to Jaemin. He’ll be upfront about it -Johnny, I don’t love you the way I used to.Kun decides that, but never follows through.





	it’s a little bit stupid

**Author's Note:**

> not proof-read, not beta-read, not anything read!  
> snapshots over time

Kun is eighteen when they meet - fresh-faced, just out of high school. Orientation feels daunting - it’s this big ordeal and everyone is pretending that the people they cling to are going to be their best friends for the rest of their life. Kun knows that, for some, they will be, but, for the most part, they’re basing these judgments off snapshots of people. He likes to think that he’s better than them.

His roommate, Ten, is sprawled out on the grass beside him. Ten is complaining about something, as usual - Kun thinks it has something to do with the boy down the hallway again, Doyoung, but he just hums in agreement. He likes Doyoung and thinks that maybe Ten is being a little harsh. He would never say anything, though.

In the summer heat that’s steadily fading, Kun feels like melting for a variety of reasons. The first being that it’s genuinely warm. Too warm even for the t-shirt and shorts Kun had haphazardly thrown on after taking his third shower of the day. The second being their orientation leader - Johnny. Kun thinks that, if he could fall in love for anyone, he would want to fall in love with Johnny. He would want to fall for the young man with the starry-eyes, long-limbs, and goofy-smile.

Kun does fall for him, eventually - slowly, through random chance meetings in the campus cafe, making eye contact across the library, and shy hello’s while walking through campus. It takes a year, though Ten would argue it took a only few months from the way that Kun sighed whenever Johnny would pass by them in the cafeteria with a jerky head nod and giant smile. He doesn’t notice it until Johnny is sitting with Ten, Doyoung, and him, that  _ maybe _ he’s in a little deeper than he thought.

He doesn’t really  _ know _ when Johnny transitioned from  _ hot orientation leader _ to  _ perhaps the only person I trust other than Ten _ . It felt sudden, but when Kun looks back, it was a natural transition that started when Johnny bought him a coffee. Looking back, Kun will curse that coffee and everything that it caused. But present Kun doesn’t care - he preens when Johnny hands him his favorite drink with his trademark smile, sliding into the chair across from him.

The library is - understandably - empty at nine in the morning on a Saturday, but it’s just the way Kun likes it. The typically over-crowded and ear-drum bursting ground floor is empty, save for Kun and the librarians. And, now, Johnny. He places his pen down and wraps his hands around the coffee, savoring the warmth conducted from the flimsy paper cup.

“To what do I owe this honor, Mister Seo?”

“Ten told me I would find you here. You know, I’m surprised you two are still roommates. You’re  _ nothing _ alike.”

“Our living habits compliment one another very well, though. And Ten  _ is _ a very good friend. More loyal than a hound, I’d argue. But, Ten aside. You’re usually not up this early, are you?”

“I admit, I prefer to spend my Saturday mornings in bed.  _ But _ , I was recently told by my manager that I have today off, so I wanted to take advantage of that!”

Raising a eyebrow, Kun takes a sip of the coffee before setting it to the side. “... By studying in the library on a Saturday morning.”

“Well… I.” Johnny stops speaking rather abruptly, red suddenly creeping up his neck. Kun figures that he’s lost his train of thought, deciding that taking notes on the function and mechanisms of dyneins and kinesins was more interesting. “I was hoping that I could take you out to lunch today.”

“Today? Sure. Should I text Ten and Doyoung, or do you -”

“Just you.”

Kun places his phone back down and carefully examines Johnny’s expression to decide whether it’s a joke or not. “Just… me. Did I hear that correctly?”

“I mean, you know - if you’re okay with that? Are you not okay with that? You’re not okay with that. I’ll text them -”

“... Are you asking me on a  _ date _ , John Seo?”

“... Yes?”

“Why does that sound like a question?”

“It’s a date. If you’re okay with that.”

Kun hides his smile behind his hand as he nods. “I’d like that.”

 

* * *

 

When Kun was twenty-one, he was sure that Johnny would be his happily ever after. There was not a shadow of a doubt in Kun’s mind that they would be married and live in that suburban neighborhood house with a white picket fence he used to go on about. Kun could - can - describe every detail of the house Johnny wanted, down to the crown molding for the guest bathrooms. Kun never thought that far ahead. Johnny gave him a reason to.

Kun is twenty-five and decides that relationships are hard. Sometimes, Johnny and Kun walk on eggshells around one another. Other times, both of them decide to just let their grievances fly through the air over dinner. Kun figures that after six years together, they would understand each other better, but the fact is that they don’t. Sometimes Kun doesn’t recognize Johnny. Only sometimes, though.

Despite everything changing around them, Johnny still loves him as carefully and thoroughly as he did when they were baby-faced college students just trying to make it by. It breaks Kun’s heart when he realizes one day that he isn’t sure if he even  _ loves _ Johnny anymore. It’s a startling conclusion and Kun ponders over it as he pours over the presentation he made for the most recent chapter of his dissertation.

The idea of not loving Johnny anymore feels foreign to him. He thinks that, if he really doesn’t  _ love _ Johnny anymore, he’s doing more harm than good by letting everything continue on like it is. Kun decides that, if he  _ has _ to break Johnny’s heart, he’ll be swift. He won’t drag it out, like Yuta did to Taeil, and he won’t ghost him, like Renjun did to Jaemin. He’ll be upfront about it -  _ Johnny, I don’t love you the way I used to _ .

Kun decides that, but never follows through. Johnny, both plantonically and romantically, had cemented his place in Kun’s world. Plus, Kun isn’t even sure if he’s really stopped loving Johnny, or just reading into things too much. When applying for jobs, he thinks that maybe distance will do them well. 

At twenty-eight, he realizes that he never fell out of love with Johnny. Sitting in his new apartment, across the country from Johnny, he feels lonely. Kun concludes, over his box of take-out, that as life changes, love changes. The big epiphany that Kun comes to, however, is that these changes don’t have to be in the  _ amount _ of love, but can be the way love is felt and expressed.

“All settled in?” Johnny’s face is much too close to the camera as he speaks to Kun, but he says nothing, smiling and nodding in response. “How do you like it so far?”

“Well… It’s okay. I miss you. And the old apartment. It feels… empty.”

“I know. It feels empty over here, too. I’m already putting in my request for vacation time so I can come visit you.” Johnny pauses, looking thoughtful, before his goofy smile that Kun is ridiculously fond of, appears. “You should adopt a cat or something. Give you someone to come home to. Just don’t name them Johnny. Or John.”

“Youngho, maybe?”

“ _ Definitely _ not Youngho.”

Kun can’t help but laugh at the face that Johnny pulls at the mere thought of having a cat named after him. “Well, I’ll consider it. I’m still trying to get used to everything here. It’s… weird.”

“You’ll be settled in and working like a well-oiled machine in no time!”

“I hope so.”

“Kun, have some faith in yourself. You’re amazing. You’ve got this.”

“You’re right. I’ve got this.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. More than I can put into words.”

 

* * *

 

Kun figured that it would happen eventually. Johnny is physically affectionate and needs someone with him more often than he cares to admit. So, he isn’t surprised when Johnny tells him that the whole long distance thing can’t work. He wants to scream and cry and laugh - ten years of a relationship cut short just because of  _ distance _ . 

Johnny tells Kun that he’s hurting himself, too, by ending the relationship, and Kun wants to say, no you’re not. But Kun recognizes that  _ yes _ \- yes, both of them are going to hurt, there’s no doubt. But he thinks that the way that they’re going to hurt is going to be different. It always  _ is _ different. Kun is thirty and he still doesn’t understand Johnny the way he wanted to.

Kun still remembers their first kiss - how he had all but floated into his dorm where Ten sat up in bed, waiting for his roommate to return home. How it had been clumsy and awkward and shy but so  _ Johnny _ that Kun didn’t mind. Kun had talked about it - a split-second, I walked you to your dorm kiss - for hours to Ten that night, and the night after that, and the night after that. Kun had been so in love. Kun  _ is _ so in love.

At one point, he had imagined Ten as his best man for the wedding, giving an impassioned speech about how it was  _ about time _ that Johnny and Kun finally got married and how if he had to listen to Kun talk about how much he loves Johnny one more time, it would be a moment too soon. Now Kun has to tell Ten to change his RSVP - he won’t be bringing a plus one to his wedding and it would be nice if they could change the table arrangements to put him and Johnny on opposite sides of the reception.

Closing his eyes, Kun remembers every memory with Johnny - burned into his brain, there to stay for forever. He remembers, and lets them hurt. Johnny’s voice fades into the background - calling out Kun’s name, asking if he’s still there. He  _ is _ , but he  _ isn’t _ . Kun is already trying to cope - already cocooning himself in his memories, letting himself hurt.

He wonders when it’ll stop hurting -  _ if _ it’ll ever stop hurting. How to forget ten years of a relationship filled with lessons on lessons of how to love. Kun knows that there is no forgetting. That you don’t simply go and forget loving someone like magic. Kun _ loves  _ Johnny. He loves Johnny so much he doesn’t know how to exist without loving him. He wonders when he’ll be okay again.

Johnny’s voice grounds him - pulls him out of his mind for a moment.

“No. It’s okay, Johnny. I understand.”

“Kun, are you -”

“I understand.”

**Author's Note:**

> haha  
> just something small!  
> i wrote the breakup scene 20 times :,)  
> i still wish it was different  
> hmu!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/nsofties)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/nsofties)
> 
> last note:  
> wait so the title sucks - and i acknowledge that. but it was the working title for the document i was writing this in - because i was just being spiteful on valentine’s day. people’s emotions are so very valid - i’m not saying kun or johnny are stupid!


End file.
